A Guide to Navigating Sexless Dating
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Wow! You’ve finally gotten in a relationship! We’re all just glad you’re even trying again, after that last one. I would’ve considered giving up for good and becoming that cat lady/model train dude. You know, the guy with the mustache.
So, you’re out with your friends. But the problem is, the COUPLE is there. You know, that COUPLE that’s not just a plain ole’ friend in a relationship, it’s that one that gives you hope about maybe someday finding the right person for you and having lots of awesome lazy sex with that so-very-right person while watching The Mentalist or something but simultaneously you hate the COUPLE so very much because you are most decidedly not having that sleepy, half awake coital bliss all Saturday. You’re dry-humping. Like teenagers.
Not that you’d admit to this. You’re better than needing sex. You’re not some animal. You respect other people’s feelings, religious and otherwise. You’re in a romantic relationship with someone who’s really great for you. So when the horrid, horrid couple asks you about your new significant other, you tell them.
Well, depraved COUPLE, I’ll have you know he/she/it is just, well, they’re just great. They’re super nice. Just a kind, kind, person. They occasionally cook for me, too! Just never for my genitals.
How can you be in this position? How can you maintain a relationship where sex is off the table, or maybe under the table and the dog is gnawing on it? Anyway, it’s 4 easy (difficult) steps.
1. Don’t believe in it, either!
Some people simply don’t believe in having sex before marriage. Like how some people don’t believe in ghosts. I mean, it’s not like sex is the natural progression to any romantic relationship. That little kernel of truth will just go away if you stop thinking about it.
2. Forget about your genitals. They’re selfish anyway.
Your poor forgotten genitals. Whenever you get intimate with somebody who won’t have sex with you, the genitals still hope. They tell your brain “Oh, hey, maybe this time they’ll conveniently forget that they think they’ll burn in a fiery pit for all eternity if I put this in that”. Nah-uh. You ain’t that sexy.
3. Respect their religion more than you respect your penis or vagina
I dated this girl that said grace when we were in Subway at 2 AM eating meatball subs. Really? Subway? You want God to come all the way down from heaven, to come to a Subway? Hang with Jared? Jared sucks and you know it. I could maybe see worshipping the patron saint of sandwiches or something. That guy would be chill as hell.
4. Really think about what no sex before marriage means
Alright, I kinda dropped the ball on the previous step. So for this one, just remember that marriage is still that scary thing that is many years away. Unless you’re that goddamn COUPLE, that is. Then it just makes sense in terms of finances. But if you’re not having sex, you really want to go years without it? I mean, not that you wouldn’t be doing that regardless of a relationship. At least you got an excuse now.
But what if some gorgeous celebrity came up to you on the street and asked you for a nice round of the horizontal monster mash? And you were in one of these relationships? Or if a crazy guy with a gun came up to you on the street and told you you were dead unless you could list every member of the 80’s supergroup Asia? Either way you’re gonna wish you were single, getting mad action like I am (not).
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